I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
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How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT