The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him