Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
British websites use biscuits.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.