me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”