Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
mmm onion ringos
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.