I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I am a gravy boat captain
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.