My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
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Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
She puts the hot in psychotic
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER