Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
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I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.