Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Every damn time
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I have so many questions.