it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
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“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
At an art museum and I thought this was art
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh