i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
You Might Also Like
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain