WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[shakes fist at other fist]