Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….