I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
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thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…