Lassie, get help!
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Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.