Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
The pen is writier than the sword.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Did I do this right
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Always.
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Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?