English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
huge if true: the moon
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
There’s always that one guy
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I can fix him.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain