I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”