Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
yall want some gasoline milk
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.