He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.