Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Just got to our Airbnb!
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Mornin
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius