Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.