Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.