An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
You Might Also Like
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.