Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
You Might Also Like
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
6: are snakes just neck?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.