me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.