“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
What about second breakfast?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.