A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.