[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Thinking about Jeff
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.