Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back