[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
🤣😂🤣
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I want what they have
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.