Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch