Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit