what does he know…
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY