Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
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I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Milk Cube
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat