Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
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I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
did it work
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.