Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!