I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
You Might Also Like
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
#Caturday
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!