6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.