[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”