I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Don’t touch that.