Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.