Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
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10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.