My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
But that’s none of my business
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.