I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.