Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.