wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.