My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Our lord and savoury.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.