‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.