Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
*updates tinder bio*
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.